Kei's Birth in Oct 2007, without painkillers, without the gynaecologist being present.

Camera: Indi Soemardjan + Doris Fok (2007)
Music: Meutia Chaerani + Arry Nurdin Daely (1997)



While I was editing the video in Yodhi's mac, I went through a flashback of the labour process. It was just amazing and unbelievable that my body was just possessed by an unknown force. I didn't have any control of what's going on, and had to just surrender to the force. All that I could do is to concentrate and move along with the force, surrendering to the pain. And once it's all over, I trembled, shaken, breathless and tired like I had just gone through a marathon, even though I did not move my body much. All those energy spent to do a marathon are focused on contracting my womb to expel the baby.

You may ask, why such unconventional position to giving birth? Current medical procedure makes us believe that there is only two ways of giving birth: Lying down on labour bed or through cesarean operation. Such position are actually invented quite recently for the convenience of the doctors rather than to make it easy for the mothers themselves. Actually, you don't need to use the same position like you've seen in the movies, where the mother is lying down and the legs are lifted up in stirrups. I heard story from my sister in-law that the mothers of Papuan forest tribe would go into the forest, alone, and give birth in squatting position, just like going into squatting toilet. That makes sense, because I'd say, giving birth is somehow similar to expelling a very big poo or having a bad constipation. Ina May's book also show pictures of people giving birth in standing position, or in all-four position. My friend Bridge gave birth on a birthing stool in a semi-squatting position.

Anyways, I was able to stay in that position because the the doctor hasn't come yet. Side lying position was the most comfortable position for me that was able to slightly reduce the pain. All the nurses asked me to hold until the doctor came, but alas, Kei couldn't wait and decided to just slip through by himself. As I said, I didn't have any control of the whole process, my body just decide to give birth and I was just following my urge. At the end I gave birth without doctor's help.... the doctor only come 10 minutes after birth... but I was still charged doctor's delivery fee!Now that's the painful part! Money doesn't grow on trees, you know!

For full entry, click here

Sorry Mr. Ong, for responding so-very-late to your 123 meme, Indrani have been occupied with things, sick kids, and flying back and forth Singapore-Jakarta. With easter holiday in the horizon, we just found the time to write again.

Indi hasn't been reading books lately, too busy with work, so that leaves me responding to the meme. The meme rules are:

• look up page 123 in the book that is nearest to you at this very minute
• look for the fifth sentence
• then post the three sentences that follow that fifth sentence on page 123.

Here goes:

"The increasing pull of children was weighed against women's solid sense of identification with their careers and the heavy investment they had made in them. Women took pride in their professional accomplishment and tremendous pleasure from their work. Wendy Friedman voiced the difficulty many women felt in making the decision and reflected on the variety of losses it entailed"

The book titled "Opting Out: Why women really quit careers and head home" by Pamela Stone (2007).



Why that book? In recent years I have been trying to find the answer for the notion of why people who chose to go down the path of child-rearing tend to be perceived as isolated, particularly, isolated from the business and working world. We have been trying to break that notion, trying to balance child-rearing / work and involving our kids into things that we do everyday. I know some of my friends also tries to break away from the conventional norm of child-rearing / work separation, such as Ari Thalia Aina family.  We know it is not easy. We concluded that the isolation emerges from the fact that most people take the child-rearing / work separation for granted, but also, because the modern working world run with rules that excludes child rearing. In this sense, people like Ari Thalia or me are economic externalities ( Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued).



The women in the book were high achievers from ivy league universities, high flyer in their career, feminists, believers of equal parenting. Yet they decided to forgo their career to become a full time housewives. Why?

The book outlines that there is mainly two driving forces. First, is the rise of "intensive parenting". In the past, parents are more concerned about whether or not their babies survive into later childhood. With advances in medical and nutritional technology (in line with Maslow's hierarchy), the focus of parenting shifts into providing quality care and education, this means parents are the best caregiver and as much as possible should spend time with children. On the other hand, the pressure to excel within the corporate structure has forces people to bank 50-80 hours work per week.  To add to the problem, for women, the prime age to climb the corporate ladder coincides with the prime age for child rearing.

However, the book shows that it is not so much the first factor, that is the child-rearing factor, that pulls the mothers to quit from the job, but instead, it is the corporate world that is unwilling to accept compromises from parents with young children. The companies would freak out with the mothers proposal to work part time (at least for a few years), to work from home, to take emergency leave, and inability to work over time. For the corporations, it is all-or-nothing scenario, there is no in-between. Facing a win-lose option, mothers gave up.

On a side note, my mom-in-law struck me with one sentence that makes me think twice about going back to work full time again. She said, "Kids grow up really fast. In a blink, my sons became teenagers and then they've gone out of the house. You only have FIFTEEN (or at the most, seventeen) years to spend with your kids before they live on their own". Fifteen years, that is, only one fifth of my whole life. And I don't want to miss that. Sure enough, last week Noe had just turned 3 years old. How time flies.

But then again, people said, you need double income in order to survive in this harsh world.

I wish the world become a more friendly place to people who choose the path of predominantly child rearing.  Like this
Noe (6 months) sleeps during a seminar on development economics

I'm not gonna tag anybody else.. if you feel like continuing this meme, go ahead and link back to this entry.. 

For full article, click here

This writing is to compare two breastfeeding experiences: Noe's first two weeks and Kei's.

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Preparation

Noe: I decided to fully breastfeed my baby because of what international health organization and experts recommends for baby's first six months. But I thought that breastfeeding should be natural and should not be learned. So I made no effort in looking for any information about breastfeeding at all. Despite that, I was really confident that I wouldn't face any difficulty breastfeeding. Later, it turned out that I was too cocky.

Kei: Having volunteered with Breastfeeding Mother Support group and received counseling training from them, plus, having purchased the Breastfeeding Answer Book, and having engaged a lactation consultant to counsel me during the first few days after birth, I am (hopefully) better equipped to breastfeed my baby. I roughly know the basics of breastfeeding and I know where to look for help if anything goes wrong. I am more confident but hopefully not as cocky as during Noe's time.

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Birth and The First Few Hours

Noe: (Details are here, here, and here)  Noe was delivered vaginally with only two pushes and I had very few stitches. It was relatively easy labor but with severe complications post-partum. After clamping the umbilical cord, Noe was given to me for cuddling, but I didn't know that I could breastfeed him at the very moment. I thought I had to finish all the childbirth procedures; stitching and all; before beginning to breastfeed for the first time. Hence I handed him back to the nurse to be taken to the nursery, because Noe was crying (stupid decision by me). A few minutes later I had severe post-partum hemorrhage which was caused by lack of contraction in my uterus. The bleeding could've been reduced if I had been breastfeeding when Noe was given to me for cuddling, but I didn't know that. The bleeding was so bad and I ended up feeling cold, shivering, and very tired. After the critical condition ended, the nurse asked me whether I wanted to breastfeed, and I declined saying that I was too tired. The nurse asked again, "But you asked for total breastfeeding.." and I insisted, "Yes.. but I am really tired now, please just give him formula if he's hungry. I will try to breastfeed him when I feel stronger". I regret this decision even until now, and this decision caused Noe to have nipple confusion which later caused a series of breastfeeding problems. I was then brought into Intensive Care Unit, and stayed there for 18 hours, before seeing Noe again for the first breastfeeding.

Kei: I decided to prepare for ideal condition to begin breastfeeding. First, I intend to have drug-free birth, because anasthesia is known to cause drowsiness in newborn and inability to breastfeed right after birth. Secondly, I engaged a lactation consultant during labor to assist breastfeeding during the first hour. I was glad that my birth plan was mostly followed. Kei was put on my breast for skin-to-skin contact within 10 minutes after birth, but he was not really interested in breastfeeding at the moment. So we quickly weigh him and measure him, and put him back into breast at the second 10 minutes after birth, and this time Kei is more interested in breastfeeding. The first time he nipple-feed me, which is wrong, so we had to break the suction and attempt for a more correct latch-on. Kei managed to latch-on beautifully during his second attempt, and despite his "weak" suck (compared to Noe's suck, which is a toddler) I could feel the effect instantly. I felt a bit of pain in my uterus which means that it is contracting, hence reducing the bleeding. I think Kei breastfed nicely for about half an hour before dosing off to sleep. When Kei was bathed for the first time, he expelled meconium instantly since he had drunk the colostrum. The expulsion of meconium is very important as it will help to reduce the risk of jaundice.


Noe

Kei

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The Second Day

Noe: Noe breastfed for the first time 18 hours after childbirth. Since he had been given formula while I was in ICU, he latched-on incorrectly to my breast just like he was sucking bottle. Noe was basically nipple-feed, and I did nothing to correct it because I didn't know it was wrong. Ami Prasetyo, a friend who was visiting, pointed out my mistake, but I ignored it because I haven't yet felt any pain. Meanwhile, no lactation consultant or nurse helped me with my latch-on, hence the mistake was not corrected. By early evening, I began to have sore nipple, but the massive dose of painkiller given to me masked out the pain. At night, Noe did cluster feeding. This means Noe feeds non-stop from 2am to 4am. I didn't know that such condition is normal during the first few days. But I was too tired due to my bleeding and low hemoglobin rate, and I didn't understand why Noe wasn't satiated at all. At the end, I was overly tired and I asked the nurse to take Noe away to nursery and feed him with a bottle of formula.

Kei: Three hours after birth, Kei was brought in to breastfeed, but he wasn't interested. I attempted to feed him for one hour but he stayed asleep. I thought that this might be a normal situation, whereas in the beginning the baby was a bit sleepy, and this might be nature's way to help the mother rest after childbirth. I sent Kei back to nursery so I could sleep: making the most out of baby's sleepy time. Kei breastfed for the second time approximately six hours after birth, and during the first day he fed every five to six hours. I tried to sleep as much as possible, because I expected that Kei would do cluster feeding sooner or later. During Kei's third feeding, at around 10am, Doris (lactation consultant) came for a visit and helped me with a "refresher course" on breastfeeding. I learned that I had to catch Kei's big mouth opening (say AAH!) in order to produce a good latch-on. This is a bit challenging because Kei's behaviour was random (like most babies) and I was the one who has to be observant of his behaviour. Basically both mother and child are learning about each other's ability and limitation. Kei's was a quick learner, he learned that he would be rewarded with milk if he opened his mouth really big. As a result, Kei has always done good latch-on and I didn't have any soreness. Later on, at night, true to my prediction, Kei began to cluster feed. This time, I was physically fit and prepared, so I said to Kei, "Let's have a battle, who is stronger and who will survive the night with cluster feeding". I fed Kei non stop from 1am to 4am, going from left to right breast and repeat the cycle, nonstop. At the end, at 4am, Kei fell asleep by himself, being too tired of cluster feeding. I was glad I won the battle. I then sent him back to nursery and I slept comfortably for four hours straight. After that cluster feeding session, Kei feeding hours began to become more regular and predictable.


Noe

Kei

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The Third Day

Noe: During the second day I received blood transfusion in order to boost my hemoglobin rate. Noe roomed in with me during the day, and sent to me from the nursery every 3-4 hours during the night. My sore nipple was getting worse with the nipple skin peeling off. The painkiller started to lose out to the pain of sore nipple. I asked the nurse for a help to cure the sore nipple, and she was aghast to see such a bad nipple condition. She gave me medela ointment to apply to the nipple before and after nursing. The problem is, the nurse was not fixing the latch-on problem, which was the source of the problem, and I didn't know it. In the mean time, no lactation consultant paid me a visit (and I didn't know that there is such thing as a lactation consultant). Meanwhile, most people told me that sore nipple is normal for the first week and it will subside by itself. So I took it for granted that sore nipple is the normal pathway towards breastfeeding. Little did I know that sore nipple is not a normal condition and that it could all be resolved by a quick visit to IBCLC (certified lactation consultant).

Kei: Since I had a vaginal delivery without complication I was able to come home the second day. So far Kei has been breastfeeding well, as indicated by his pee and poo cycle. I saw that Kei has been having more than four poos, which was very good for a two-day old baby. Kei also didn't show any sign of jaundice, so doctor let him out of hospital without prick test. We were discharged in the afternoon. Kei's weight upon discharge was 2630 grams. Losing weight during the first days was normal because the baby shed meconium and excess water in the body. Back home, Kei feed every 1-1.5 hours. At night, he was again having cluster feeding, this time it was for six hours straight. I fed him in cradle hold position and fell asleep sitting down cradling Kei. Lucky that I managed to maintain the cradle position while I was asleep, and Kei was latched on all the way. That was the last cluster feeding session for the first two weeks.

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The Fourth Day

Noe: Since my blood transfusion result was good, I was discharged at the third day. It turned out that going home was a struggle for me. I was considerably weak due to the blood loss, this means I was easily tired. Compounded with difficulty breastfeeding with sore nipple and baby blues, I became sad easily. Noe was feeding quite frequently and it tired me, and he was given formula. When my husband gave Noe the first formula bottle at home, it dawned to me that I did not want to bottle-feed him, because it seemed to be really cumbersome: preparing the formula, ensuring the right temperature, feeding the milk, and washing/sterilizing the bottle afterwards. Knowing me, I would be too sloppy and too careless to bottle feed Noe. Besides, my weak condition didn't spare me enough energy to do the extra chore of making formula milk and cleaning it afterwards. From that moment I decided to go back to total breastfeeding, despite the pain of sore nipple.

Kei: So far the breastfeeding experience has been really painless (but still a bit tiring with its high frequency). And my mature milk has begun to come in: I experienced breast fullness and I could see white milk when they're squeezed. Meanwhile, Kei's poo has turned yellow and grainy like curry. His breastfeeding frequency has also begun to space out to 2-2.5 hours.

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The Fifth Day

Noe: Away from the hospital and away from the painkiller, I just realized that sore nipple pain was worse than labor pain. I literally broke down to tears every time I breastfed because it was really really painful. My mother was really puzzled to see me crying and screaming out of pain of the sore nipple. People reassured me that the pain will subside after one week, so I decided to stay put despite the pain. Of course, with crying and screaming. The nipple skin peeled off leaving a really painful gaping wound. I decided to do away without bra, because the friction of the nipple with the bra aggravated the pain. Meanwhile, my mature milk began to come in and I began to leak all over the house. I also began to have slight engorgement. All the changes in my body had never happened before, and I was really stressed out because of it. Meanwhile, my husband went off to buy breastpump and nipple shield because he couldn't stand to see me in great pain.

Kei: I began to have breast engorgement but no leak yet. There's also lump in armpit. I gave cabbage compress for 2 hours and it was soothing. Noe helped empty the breast but didn't help alleviating the engorgement. I also had a low grade fever, and I took panadol to cure it. This time I know that all those changes in my body were normal and it was my body's attempt to calibrate the right milk supply. I was more prepared, especially with the breastfeeding book, and had known the first-aid measure to overcome engorgement. And by the way, I don't have sore nipple at all, and this makes breastfeeding really enjoyable.

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The Sixth Day

Noe: This time I tried to pump the milk so that I didn't have to go through the pain of breastfeeding directly. To my horror, while pumping, the sore nipple wound opened up and blood was expressed alongside milk. I was totally freaked out seeing the bloody breastmilk. Not knowing what to do with it, I threw away the bloody milk and quit pumping at the very moment. I decided, again, to bear with the sore nipple pain, instead of having to bear seeing my nipple exploding with blood.

Kei: The low-grade fever subsided, but the slight engorgement stayed on. Due to the engorgement, latching on became more challenging. Luckily the "sandwich" technique as taught by Doris helped to ease the latch-on process. Kei adapted really well to the changes in my body. Despite all those changes, I managed to catch all Kei's big mouth openings, and latching-on was easy. Kei had learned that his reward of milk comes with the big AAH that he made.

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The Beginning of the Second Week

Noe: Breastfeeding and baby caring becomes a dreaded task for me. I felt really miserable. Compounded with baby blues, I really didn't enjoy having a baby. At this stage, a baby is not yet responsive to eye contact, and this made me feel unappreciated. I felt really incompetent because my mom always criticized the way I care the baby. Moreover, breastfeeding was really painful with sore nipple. Breastfeeding was also a hassle. I had to change clothes very frequently because of bad leaking. I had to ensure that I install the breast shield to protect the sore nipple, and milk drips inside the shield,  onto the tshirt, onto the floor, creating a big milky mess all over the house. The whole house smells like stale milk. In short, I was feeling really miserable. But somehow I didn't stop to change to formula feeding. Most probably because I didn't have the energy to make formula milk, clean the bottle, sterilize it, etc. My hemorrhage made me fall tired really easily, and I just wanted to avoid extra work related with house chores, including cleaning the bottle. This is mainly why I stuck with breastfeeding. It wasn't at all any noble goal to give my baby the best nutrition. It was mainly out of my weak physical condition and my own laziness.

Kei: At the beginning of the second week the engorgement had subsided and the milk supply seemed to have stabilized. The leak was not as bad as in 2005, surprisingly. Nevertheless, both Kei and Noe seemed well satiated. BTW, I am doing tandem nursing, which means I breastfeed both Kei and Noe. But I only do tandem at night. It is a bit tiring, but it seemed to lessen the sibling rivalry between the two. Despite having to feed to kids, so far I don't have nipple soreness. Baby care and breastfeeding are now enjoyable for me, mainly because it is not a painful experience. Oh this time I also experienced baby blues during the first week, but by the end of second week it has subsided.

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The End of the Second Week

Noe: At the end of the second week I truly regret my negative feeling towards breastfeeding Noe. This is because suddenly Noe was unable to breastfeed anymore (Details are here and here). At that point, I realized that I would take whatever pain caused by breastfeeding as long as Noe wants to breastfeed. Noe's inability to feed came very suddenly, and I felt really rejected. Although I'm not a religious person, at that time, I prayed to God that I was really sorry to Her, to be so negative about my breastfeeding pain, and I prayed that Noe would return to breastfeeding. The story went like this. Suddenly, one morning, on Tuesday 29 March, Noe lost his ability to latch on. We tried for many hours to put him into the breast but he was just unable to do it. Indi was so worried that he took sick leave from the office to help me. We gave up trying to breastfeed after six hours trying when we heard grueling sound from Noe's stomach, indicating bad hunger. We finally gave him formula, and Noe fell asleep, satiated. It was really weird because he couldn't latch on my breast, but he would take the bottle. We went to a lactation consultant in our hospital for two days straight, but she was unable to give us a satisfactory answer. At the end, on Thursday 31 March, I went to Doris and she did a thorough analysis of my condition. Doris gave a clear diagnosis: an overactive milk ejection reflex, which means I have too much milk and Noe was like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. She also gave me three steps to overcome the problem: 1. Pump before breastfeeding so that Noe didn't have to cope with the let-down; 2. Breastfeed in lying-down position to defy gravity; or; 3. Pump and feed through bottle. At home, we tried the second way. Our good friend Karyn, who was active in La Leche League, also lent us her support by trying to get Noe back to the breast again. The situation was really bad that even my mom flew back from Jakarta (she thought Noe went on strike because Noe missed her). But amazingly, at night of 31st March, Noe went back to breastfeeding! It was the best birthday present for me ever, and I thank God that She answers my prayers. After two weeks, my breastfeeding problem didn't stop. I had three times mastitis attack within the first three months. My hemorrhage had left me with a physical condition that is vulnerable to infection. But I could cope better because I knew how to look for breastfeeding information and where to find help.

Kei: Except for dripping and leaking all over the house, so far I didn't have significant problem. I hope that breastfeeding would stay to be a breeze like this until Kei is at least six months, and hopefully, two years.

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Conclusions and Lesson Learned

My first month breastfeeding experience with Noe was really bad and painful, plus, it was further aggravated with baby blues. The only thing that kept me from shifting to bottle-feed was my laziness and my weak condition after hemorrhaging. Moreover we don't have permanent live-in helper (maid), and my husband couldn't afford to be sleep deprived. Hence I simply didn't have enough energy to do the extra effort of making formula milk and cleaning the bottle. Apparently my weak condition was the silver lining of my childbirth complication, that had forced me to breastfeed. Despite the rough beginning, eventually it became really easy. I am glad to be able to continue breastfeeding until now.

My experience with Noe taught me that breastfeeding is not easy and it is something to be learned by the mother and baby. If I have read breastfeeding references and prepare myself, I might have better and more pleasant beginning. But I was too cocky.

My second child birth taught me that good breastfeeding start is important to avoid the compounded problems that will arrive later. The first two days is good time to learn to achieve effective latch-on and learning about the baby's cues (like, how to catch the big AH for a perfect latch-on), because the early days is not yet troubled with engorgement or leaking. I would highly recommend close contact with lactation consultant or counselor during the early days.

It is very important to know where to find breastfeeding help. Breastfeeding difficulty often needs to be addressed fast, that's why, most breastfeeding support groups and hospitals provide breastfeeding support hotlines. First and foremost I would like to thank Google for helping me to find information really fast. And I'm very grateful of my lactation consultant and breastfeeding guru, Doris Fok (Thank Google from which I found her contact info). Too bad, many people didn't know that there is a profession called lactation consultant that gives help for breastfeeding difficulties. Moreover, it is too bad that the modern urban culture has put breastfeeding as something to be embarrassed about, hence women nowadays couldn't easily find reference about breastfeeding in public sphere.

For original article, click here


Keilani getting himself comfortable under infant warmer system at the delivery room of National University Hospital, Singapore.The last weeks

During my last hospital visit on 16 October, the CTG shows that I have been having steady contractions of 17 minutes apart. Funny that I couldn't feel anything. Dr Li Lin said that those are inactive contraction, "practicing" for the big day.

The week after that on 23 October, I went to visit dr Chong who were surprised to see me still hasn't given birth yet. I was also confused because I didn't feel any contraction at all. I even asked him whether I should try inserting evening primrose oil pills into the birth canal (as it is a natural method of induction). Dr. Chong said such measure is not necessary as he would only suggest induction if I go beyond 41 weeks or if the USG scan shows any problems. So far USG scan result was good for natural birth. I was grateful and relieved.

At the same time I consulted the birth plan with him: that I intended to be accompanied by a birth coach, and that I want to have a drug free birth. He largely agreed with my plan that drug-free birth is possible, but he needed to inject oxytocin after birth to avoid possible bleeding. I agreed to compromise to accept the oxytocin flush, considering my hemorrhage risk. Dr. Chong also advised that I have to put my state of mind as relaxed as possible to minimise the pain (sort of a "trance" state), but he also suggested me not to be to bound by the birth plan : if I can't cope with the pain I should inform the medical staff as soon as possible because such condition (tiredness or inability to cope with pain) won't be productive for the labour. I agreed with his suggestion but kept emphasizing to him my intention to try to cope with the pain as much as possible.

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The day before

On 24 October morning and afternoon I was still busy to finish work and to go to campus to return the books. Ever since my last visit to the doctor my mom insisted to accompany me wherever I went so that if anything happen there's somebody to help. In the late afternoon it was rather difficult to get taxi in NUS and some inconsiderate academic staff decided to ignore my pregnant presence and she got a taxi from across the road, even though I waited for taxi before her. I wasn't speedy enough to run to cross the road to chase for that particular taxi. But that bitch did! Oh well...

Evening, 24 October, I breastfed Noe to put him to sleep. Unlike the other days when I breastfeed during pregnancy, this time the feeding session seems to increase the intensity of uterine contraction. Not long after that I began to notice faint contraction pain. I began to time it, and it seemed to be regular, coming at 10-11 minutes apart. I began to freak out because I haven't packed the suitcase for hospital. I jumped out of bed and pack the suitcase and prepare the documents to check into the hospital. Then I went to rush to finish my will, send it off to Indi to print tomorrow at the office, and back up the computer. Everything that needed to be done prior to delivery has been done, so I tried to sleep.

I couldn't totally sleep because the contraction pain recurred. I laid down and rest my body as much as possible in between the rush.

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The Development of the Contraction at Home

Morning 25 October. I woke up at 5 am and spend time browsing the web and do some work. Contraction as 7 to 8 minutes apart. My mom woke up and I mentioned to her about the regular contraction. She asked whether my mucous plug has come out, and I said no. She advised me to cancel going to Little India in the afternoon and just concentrate on the contraction. At 6am I sms-ed Doris and she advised me to call the labour ward to see whether I needed to check in. I called NUH labour ward and the nurse asked whether this is the first baby and whether I stayed far from NUH. I said this was the second baby and I lived very close to NUH. The nurse advised me to come when the contraction is 5 minutes apart or when the water broke, and that she would reserve a labor ward for me. So I decided to just wait at home as per her suggestion. Besides, there is no free wi-fi in NUH and I would be bored to death there.

The contraction stays regular at 7-8 minutes in the morning. I prepared Noe to go to school / daycare, and apologized to him that I might not be home in the evening because I needed to go to hospital to help the baby out of the belly. He nodded. We decided to call taxi to send Noe to the daycare, saving us from walking 1.5 km.

Strangely, after Noe went to school, the contraction stopped! I decided to take the opportunity to have a good sleep, because if labor did happen, I should have enough energy to go through it. Contraction stops for 2 hours and I had a good sleep.

At noon, the contraction returns, further apart at 9-10 minutes, but more intense. I continued with my activity at home, and stopped every once in a while to "enjoy the contraction pain". I did the breathing out exercise to alleviate the pain. The contraction grew more and more intensely over the 5 hours period. At noon, the pain was focused in the lower front part of my abdomen, and slowly, the pain expands to envelope the sides. Eventually, at around 3.30 pm the pain enveloped into the whole lower back and got even more intense. Ibu Tuti, my mom in law, gave a massage at the low back area which nicely helped reduce the pain. It was painful, but lying down in my bed didn't help. I had to sit or walk around, keeping on with my activity, and the pain would be less severe.

At 3.30 pm, contraction was 6 minutes apart. But my mom was still doubtful whether this is a true labor because my mucus plug hasn't come off yet. Anyway, I decided to stay put and only go to labour ward when the frequency is truly five minutes apart. I kept drinking water to keep myself hydrated.

At 5pm my mom and mom in-law offered me fresh cut fruit. I made red raspberry leaf tea with honey from Katrina, which is said to help induce birth. Then I went to the toilet, as usual. I saw a surprise, the mucus plug had come off! It was exactly 5.30pm in the toilet. I called into labour ward and ask whether I need to go, and they said yes. I then call Indi to inform him, and it was just a perfect timing! He just walked out of the office! Indi decided to catch a cab to make a huge loop: first to get Noe from school, then drop him home with my inlaws, while me and my mom get onto the taxi, and off to the labour ward.

At 5.45pm Indi arrived home with Noe and amazingly Noe didn't cry when me and Indi went off in the taxi. I was so grateful that he understood what was said to him in the morning. Our neighbour also waved goodbye to us.

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In the Hospital

At 6pm I arrived in the A&E. Nurse put me into wheelchair and roll me out to the labor ward at 2nd story. I timed the contraction, it was about 4-5 minutes apart. The labor ward was ready, and I put on the hospital gown. The next hour was spent doing boring paperworks while I was coping with the more and more intense pain. I also complied to CTG since the nurse said it would only take 15 minutes.





Doris, my birth coach, arrived at around 6.45pm and she asked me to move into the most comfortable position. I said to her sitting down is the most comfortable. She also prepared warm compress. It was the first time Indi met Doris and the two of them instantly joked to one another. Having both of them in the labor ward really alleviates the pain.

Doris coached me to breathe out slowly and visualize the sea, and amazingly it really helped to alleviate the pain. When the contraction came Doris taught Indi how to massage the lower back while I squeezed their hands, breathing out slowly. In between the contractions, they all kept throwing jokes to one another and to the nurse too.



At around 7.15 a young doctor came to perform VE (vaginal examination) and discovered that I am 8 cm dilated already. I didn't expect that, I thought I was only at the early stage. So we had to cancel our plan to have a warm bath in the jacuzzi as pain relief, since the dilation is almost complete.

After that came the most unpleasant moment, having IV patch installed in my left hand and blood taken for matching, while I also have to cope with the contraction pain, and my left hand unable to squeeze Indi. I really hate this moment but it was necessary to later perform the oxytocin flush. It took them about 10 minutes to complete the job. ARRGH!

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The Peak

At this stage the pain reached its peak and what I'll write down here is based on my vague memory on what's going on. I could only write down what I felt and didn't really notice what happened around me.

At around 7.30 the contraction became very intense enveloping the whole lower back, and I said that "I felt the urge to push!". Doris coached me to go through the pain, telling me not to push and to just breathe through the urge slowly. For me, the effect of doing that was truly sublime and I came into the realization that I could sense what is going on during my labor! For me it was like an enlightenment, that I could understand what's going on inside my body! I realized that the "urge to push" was actually the baby's head pushing down when I was fully dilated. As I was restraining myself to push, I let my body do whatever it wanted to do with that pushing down sensation. At that time I felt that the "bulge" retracted back inside my body. Since the nurse heard me saying "the urge to push", she called the junior doctor back to perform the second VE and he discovered that I'm fully dilated and the baby's head is really really low. Someone then said to call the doctor, while the nurse midwife is getting ready for labour.

Doris asked me to go into sideways position and to brace into the bed railings, which I agreed to do. I was in the peak of pain and wanted to just fully concentrate to understand it and cope with it. When the pain began to come, I scream "The contraction is coming!", I closed my eyes, concentrate, and breathe through it. Sometimes I felt the sensation of the head pushing downward by itself, and sometimes the pain came without such sensation. What I did was just breathing through it while translating / conveying what I felt happening to my body to everybody in the room. When I felt the head pushing down, I scream "I felt the baby is coming down!". Doris then peeked into my underside and confirmed, "Yes I saw the baby's head". Then I felt the head retracted back up and I scream "It's going back up!", then the midwife peeked to see that there's no head bulging out.

Then another contraction followed but the baby's head isn't coming down.

Then another contraction followed and I really felt that baby's head IS COMING DOWN and I COULDN'T STOP IT. I scream, "The baby is coming out NOW!", The nurse scream to me to, "Hold it, hold it" because Dr. Chong hasn't arrived yet. But I couldn't hold anything because I was not pushing! I said, "I cannot hold it! The baby is coming out NOW!" Again, I wasn't pushing, I was just breathing through the force that enveloped me, my lower body just open up by itself, and my uterus just pushed the baby out by itself. It was really amazing, like, my body was possessed by an amazing external force outside my control. Really, I wasn't controlling the process by pushing because, I wasn't pushing at all. The baby just came out like a train departing from a station.

There was a bulge coming out and it was the water bag, still intact. Suddenly I felt that it popped / exploded, water gushed out, and everybody in the room scream that, "The water bag had just burst!" then followed "The baby's head is coming out!". The flow of amniotic fluid helped to ease the expulsion process. I felt the steady force expelling the baby's head slowly, and I still wasn't pushing! Then I sensed a short relief when it got into the neck part, and followed by another strong force that expelled the whole body. I kept breathing through it, and still not pushing, bracing myself to the bed railings in a sideways position. The exact moment when the baby is completely out I felt totally blissful, relieved, and euphoric which was an amazing feeling. I was also trembling and shivering like I had just finished a long run. It was 7.50 pm.

After that I just want to rest and shut my senses for a while, so I didn't really pay attention on what going on around me. I only remember asking, "Did the baby cry?" and Doris answered, "Yes really loudly". I also asked, "So he's definitely a boy?" and everybody said, "Definitely!". I also remember someone screamed, "Wow! The baby passes urine now!" Yeah, the first thing the baby did after crying was to spray pee to the people in the delivery suite. What a great way to thank them, Kei!

A few minutes later Dr. Chong arrived and said, "Congratulations, you just had a self-service delivery!" After that, my IV plug was opened and hooked onto IV drips containing oxytocin.

Meanwhile Doris commented that this is a second time seeing water bag intact during the last stage of delivery. Mine broke when it was just out of the birth canal. On another occasion, Doris saw her friend's water bag delivered fully intact and the doctor was really eager to puncture it.

---

First Feed

I was then turned from sideways position to semi sitting position and getting ready to breastfeed for the first time, after the baby's cord is clamped and cut. Doris wiped my perspiration using warm wet towel except for the chest area because she wanted the baby to know my smell. Kei (the baby) was put on my chest, I think, within 10 minutes after delivery, giving direct skin-to-skin contact. He hasn't been bathed yet but he was very clean, with no trace of blood at all. Perhaps it's due to the fact that the water bag only burst at the last minute when the baby is coming out, protecting the baby from any bleeding in my body. We (Me and Doris) didn't do the "breastcrawl" method, instead, we try to offer the baby my breast. The first 10 minutes upon contact Kei was only moving his head around. When offered the breast he would just lick it and play with it. Eventually, during the second 10 minutes, Kei began to open his mouth to put the breast into it. At the first attempt he was just nipple feed, which is not correct, so Doris asked me to break the suction and try again. The second time around, Kei happened to open his mouth really wide and we shoved the breast onto his mouth, resulting in a perfect latch-on. The suck felt weak compared to Noe's suckle, but he seems to actively nurse and swallowing the colostrum. Also, I know that it has been a good latch because I could felt my uterus contracting along with the suckle. Doris reminded me to work on the latch-on during the first few days, this is when both mother and baby learn the correct way to breastfeed.

 


Rani and her birthing coach Doris Fok are having a good time to get Kei breastfed for the first time. Kei did really well!

After a few minutes, I don't know how long, Kei released the suckle and fell asleep, and the nurse took him away to be cleaned. The magic of colostrum worked immediately - Kei passed motion while being cleaned. This is very good, because the first meconium passage will help expel excess bilirubin from his body, hence minimizing the risk of jaundice.



In the mean time, dr. Chong delivered the placenta and ensure that the SOP to prevent bleeding has been done correctly. He continued to examine the natural tear that happened after delivery. He said, "I need to apply LA (local anasthesia) to do the stitching, OK?" I said, "OK doctor, is the damage really bad?" He said," Yours is first degree laceration, this is considered to be normal. Even second degree laceration is still considered normal". I asked again, "Do you need to stitch a lot?" and he said, bluffing, "Yes you need a wayyyy lottt of stitches!", which means I don't need too many stitches. Dr. Chong is always joking in a bluffing manner but it really helped to lighten the atmosphere.

After experiencing it by myself, I realized the importance of breastfeeding soon after delivery. For the mother, it helped the uterus to contract, hence reduce the risk of hemorrhaging and help speed up recovery. For the baby, the laxative nature of colostrum helped expel the meconium, the first stool, hence help reducing the risk of jaundice. And not to mention the non-medical benefit, such as bonding, an opportunity for the mother and baby to get to know one another through the skin-to-skin contact, getting the warmth and scent of each other. I am so grateful to be able to experience this, and I hope other mothers would too.

---

Aftermath

Kei fell asleep right after his bath and he was wheeled into the nursery for check up with the neonatologist. I will write down his story of the first few days in another entry. I was wheeled into the ward and given hot Milo with toast. Indi went down to buy me big dinner, because I didn't have a chance to eat anything before coming to the hospital. I was hungry like mad.

Overall it was a really pleasant birthing experience. I thoroughly thank God for that. Everything fell into place nicely. First, Noe was not fussy at all when left alone without me and Indi, and he seemed to understand what was expected from him. Secondly, the last stage of birth began nicely, right when Indi stepped out of the office after finishing his work, giving him the opportunity to catch the cab and wrap up the tasks of the day, without needing to take his paternity leave for Thursday. Thirdly, I didn't have to go through a long and painful labor. I am so grateful to be blessed with quick and smooth delivery. Fourth, it was also a perfect timing for Doris to come, after finishing her work during the day and she was also able to go home quickly since the delivery was fast. Fifth, I was able to get up and walk around within hours, thank God.

There are a bit of downsides too. I hate having the IV plug attached to me and having the drips on the whole first night in the hospital. It really restrained my movement making feeding difficult when IV was attached. Secondly, we've booked for the deluxe delivery suite with jacuzzi and stereo, because we intended to use warm water bath as a method of pain relief and relaxation, and in the end, we only spent less than two hours there without even used the jacuzzi and stereo! And we were charged full for the deluxe suite! Thirdly, the paperwork in NUH is a pain, and checking out of the hospital was not so straightforward. Moreover there are some error in my hospital bill and the NUH staff could only explain to us about it after repeated nagging, and NUH food was not so good (Lucky there's Kopitiam).

So that's the end of the birth chronology.

For original entry, click here

I'm back into the real world after two days being confined and pampered in the hospital ;> Now Kei is one week old. Anyway my handsome and caring husband has written the summary of the birth process in the previous entry, and I'll try to write down more details of the birthing experience before I forgot, so here goes. This story will come in several parts: the preparation, the birth story itself, and some afterthoughts. These stories are personal story of mine, and I share it here for my family and friends. And it's gonna be long because I want to dump as much details as possible that I can remember.

Technical (Medical) Preparation

I couldn't help to think that the hemorrhage that I experienced during Noe's childbirth is related to the drugs given during childbirth, mainly to induce contraction. The induction through drugs increases the risk of bleeding, and I am one of the unfortunate few who have the risk turned into reality. So this time around, I really really hoped to have the delivery process as natural as possible - drug free (ranging from induction to painkiller), in order to minimize the risk of such drugs. Luckily this time around the pregnancy went on quite well, with ample amniotic fluid in the womb, and the doctor said that there is no need to speed up the delivery through induction. This is unlike my first pregnancy when I was on the verge of pre-eclampsia and the doctor strongly suggested induction.

Aiming for drug-free birth, I needed to equip myself with references on natural process of childbirth. I would recommend "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin. It outlines the technical aspects of natural birthing process and the hidden risks of medical intervention. You can read this book, but with a pinch of salt because it is heavily biased against the medical approach of childbirth, so sometimes the language seems to exaggerate the risks of medical intervention. For me, the book has helped me in outlining a sensible birth plan while keeping in mind the medical risk that I have to bear.

At the end, doctor said my birthing process couldn't be totally drug-free, considering my history of post-partum hemorrhage. I'm considered high risk, hence the doctor needed to safeguard against repeat bleeding episode by prescribing SOP. Upon the delivery of the baby, doctor will flush me with synthetic oxytocin through IV to speed up uterine contraction and prevent excessive bleeding. Well, at least the beginning part of the delivery process itself can be attempted drug-free.

I also prayed really hard not to have cesarean delivery as I am very scared to have my womb sliced. Luckily there hasn't been any indication that warrants cesarean (such as placenta previa), so I kept my fingers crossed, hoping to not have emergency cesarean after trying for natural birth (such as in the unexpected situation of brow / facial presentation).

On the side note, me, Indi, and Dian are trying to make a small video on breastfeeding. Breastfeeding during the first hour would be part of this video. Since I have never do early-latch-on within the first hour of birth, I sought Doris Fok's help (my trusted lactation consultant). It turned out that she was also enthusiastic about this video that she agreed to help me breastfeed the baby as soon as birth as well as giving input on the video concepts. At the end, she did much more than just helping the initial breastfeeding, she also became my birth coach and confidante that has helped me physically and psychologically even during pregnancy.

Mental Preparation and Coping With Death 

Ina May Gaskin's book also strongly emphasizes the power of mind and positive thinking for childbirth. It even proposes that child birth can be totally painless when approached with positive attitude. Quoting "Childbirth without Fear", Ina May argues that the exaggeration of labor pain comes from the fear of pain itself, and to sum up, it is important to maintain positive attitude towards childbirth so that your state of mind would help to minimize the "pain". In short, the book tries to bring child birth to the women who bear the child herself, rather than surrendering to the mechanistic medical approach that sees child birth as pathological (sickness-related) problem.

Having read such an empowering book boosted my confidence to try for drug-free birth. But then something unexpected happen. My cousin passed away during childbirth, just three weeks before my own due date! Her death has made my mental preparation for my own childbirth even more challenging. My cousin's death which was caused by amniotic fluid embolism during childbirth freaked me out because of two things. First, I'm due for my own childbirth within 3 weeks after her death. Secondly, it was inevitable that I became really distraught because my own past childbirth process was complicated by pre-eclampsia and severe hemorrhage. That practically put me into the high risk category, even though I don't experience pre-eclampsia now. So basically the first few days after her death I was very much distraught, and I couldn't sleep at night thinking about her death and my own impending. I became very scared of childbirth that faces me in a few weeks time. But I couldn't explain to myself on what exactly made me distraught and scared.

My religious/spiritual upbringing taught me to always surrender to God's will (pasrah) and not to fear death because it is inevitable. But why now suddenly I feel so scared? I try to understand the reason behind those emotions. After thinking and reflecting, it became clear to me that my fear of death was because I do not want to leave my young family alone. My fear of death is because I don't want to see my young family miserable without me, because this is what I've seen in families where the mothers unexpectedly departed in early age. Eventually they cope with it, but not before going through very difficult times. Having witnessed this, I spent a few nights after my cousin's death thinking, imagining, and crying about it.

When I finally spoke to my husband about my feelings, he listened with full empathy, and finally said jokingly, "Why should you worry and cry about your own death? It's me who's going to be troubled by it, if it happens!" Hmmmm, that's true, I am not the right person to worry about my own death, aren't I? Glad that my husband takes my worry light-heartedly, and uplift me. Basically he wants me to not to be troubled by my cousin's death, and to think positively about my childbirth.

Indeed, talking to people has helped alleviate my fear. I talked to people in parenting and AFE Victims forums, and they gave me positive support and scientific explanation about the AFE condition. So is my doctor, who pinpointed the risk and scientific facts on AFE, and why I shouldn't worry about it because the chance is very small. My doctor even said jokingly / tragically, that should AFE happens to me, there's nothing can be done by the doctor because it is so fast and undetectable.

Doris, who has been my confidante for the current pregnancy and who will accompany me in the delivery suite, also listened to my concerns attentively and even suggested something radical. She suggested that I write, specifically, a final will, to safeguard all my concerns if the worst thing happens. So I follow her suggestion, writing a will while imagining the worst case scenario. It was amazing, once my concerns were locked into the writing of will, my worry began to subside and I began to assume a "surrendering" (pasrah) state of mind: to pray for the best with God's help, but to also prepare for the worst when God intended it to happen, while approaching childbirth itself in the most positive mindset possible.

Preparing Noe

We don't know how Noe would react with the arrival of the baby, so we prepare him by telling stories about pregnancy and baby. I show books with baby photos and pregnant women, and even make simplified story about babies coming out of belly through the underside of mommy and then the baby goes to breastfeed. In the story, Noe and baby would share breastfeeding together. Indi would make drawings of our family, with two kids, on paper and board, and Noe would name the family member. Indi would draw baby on my belly and Noe would say, "Baby!", then kiss my belly. So far he has been always very gentle and loving to other babies such as Aina. We hope and pray to make an easy transition for him.

Preparation of the Household

During the last weeks of my pregnancy, Indi and I was pretty much occupied preparing our house for the new resident. It was rather tricky to juggle our work, spending family time with Noe, and organizing our house without domestic helper, but yes, we survived. The first thing we needed to do is to get rid of the junks and clutters in the house as much as possible. Basically, items that we haven't touched or needed for the past one year go to the bin (either recyling bin or trash bin). Books, no matter how dearly we love them, were donated to the neighbours or the National Library, except for few books that are special for us. Dirty, broken, used toys are put into recycling bin. We were also surprised to find so much junk clutters, hidden in cupboards and shelves.

For me, it's difficult to prepare the baby room for the second baby rather than the first one. For Noe, we practically didn't spend much time buying and organizing stuff, because most (if not all) of our stuff were gifts! The good thing about gifts is that they are already wrapped, rather clean, and organized based on age. So, what we needed to do is just open them up and store it into the baby clothes shelves.But for the second baby, we needed to reorganize the unused baby items that we have plonked together into the big boxes in the storage. We made a mistake of not organizing the items when putting them into storage. That means we didn't really know what's in those boxes and had to reorganize them all over again. Then come, gallon ziplock bags! What a godsend! We sort the baby clothes according to age (0-3mo, 3-9mo, 9-18mo, 18-36mo, etc) and mark the ziplock bag accordingly. The good thing about those bags is that we can make it into cheap vacuum bags that saves space, yet visible to see what's inside. Great idea for organizing things! We then grab the bags marked 0-3 months old, and throw them into the laundry. When they're crisp and dry, off they go into the clothes shelves, waiting for the baby to arrive.

Then what?

The next step is just to wait for the big day.

For original article, click here

Breastfeeding as Enlightenment



Breastfeeding for me is an enlightenment. Breastfeeding is a "source of thoughts", as quoted in Breastwork (Bartlett 2005 pp. 21-22)

"The bosom" is regarded as the seat of thoughts and feeling. ... Lactating breasts become fertile grounds of wisdom, active organs producing food for the mind as well as the body.

I called it "enlightenment" because I started to think about things that I didn't think about before, both positively and negatively. Positively, I began to be enlightened on the difficult task of mothering, and I learned to appreciate mothers even more. Negatively, I began to be angry at the society and the social constructs that undermines femininity.

This is an on-going writing because there is so many things I want to write about this issue and I have so little time and limited eloquence to jot it down, to properly line it out in a coherent manner.



Naturalness of Breastfeeding and Its Difficulty

I did not know that breastfeeding is not easy and that it is something to be learned.

Many people refuted the naturalness of breastfeeding by saying that, "if it has to be learned, then it is not natural". They also say, "If breastfeeding is indeed natural, why not all people are able to breastfeed, and why babies who are not breastfed alive and well?" Further, Maher (1992) argued that breastfeeding is simply a cultural construct, and extended breastfeeding is just a vehicle in traditional societies to keep women under control.

However, I personally felt that the naturalness of breastfeeding does not lie in the necessity for it to be learned or the ability to survive without it. Every step that human babies are taken to progress is learning process, through analyzing its context and observing others. Even when one has sex for the first time, he or she won't find it very easy. Palmer (1993) even says that primates initiated breastfeeding through communal learning process between the females.

Nevertheless, in Breastwork, Bartlett (2005) tries to detach herself from the naturalness question, because, quoting Klassen, "constructing the natural is a political act". Yet Bartlett tries to simplify the naturalness debate in a more philosophical level:

I remember on  day after I had been breastfeeding for a while when I experienced a moment of epiphany because I finally felt that I felt that I knew what the word "natural" meant, and yet I struggled to define it. It was something to do with me liking breastfeeding, that it had an important place in my life and my relationship with my baby, that it felt "right". The actual word, though, was an empty sign, capable of carrying whatever meaning I wanted to fill it with.

I can totally relate with Bartlett's feelings during breastfeeding. The naturalness of breastfeeding as I felt it, and how mothers and children have survived for thousands of years just with breastmilk, have fostered my perseverance to keep breastfeeding despite many problems that I was having.



Femininity and Contradictions


Breastfeeding in Guanajuato City Square, Mexico

The enlightenment also made me angry. Angry towards societal norm and how my feminine body contradicts the society.

I began to hate the situation where I had to struggle to be discrete in breastfeeding, struggle with my crying baby to look for space for breastfeeding. Why can't I just breastfeed whenever and wherever my baby wanted to? From my anger, I began my silent protest to breastfeed whenever my baby want to and wherever we're comfortable with. From my anger, I started to ask and rethink about the current social norms.

Despite naturalness of breastfeeding, and the scientifically proven benefits of breastfeeding, women are still receiving mixed message.

Breastfeeding is highly encouraged, but current social norms govern that it has to be confined in an enclosed space or as long as it is as "discrete as possible". Basically, the segregation of breastfeeding into private sphere has marginalized women and children from the public sphere. As much as I hate to use slippery slope argument, this segregation has implicated into domestication of women and has formed the current perception that breastfeeding and breastmilk are lewd, perverse, and disgusting (Bartlett 2005). Therefore as women tried to "liberate" themselves, they avoid childbirth and breastfeeding to level themselves up with men, not realizing that the social norms that they're in are the ones that are flawed. Many feminist also see breastfeeding as a vehicle to confine women in private sphere, without seeing further that the private-public dichotomy is created by male-dominated social construct.

Let's began to read Yalom's 1997 work "The History of Breast". One needs to be aware that the gender segregation of private and public space is relatively a new phenomenon, beginning around 2500 years ago, and is mainly western / semitic culture. Compared to millions of years of human history, 2500 years is minute. Further, sensualisation (and hence the taboo) of breast is an even newer phenomenon, and again it is a western/semitic concept. For many societies, the breast is not at all sensual (Yalom 1997). The so-called-primitive culture does not have a clear-cut definition of privacy based on gender, as can be seen in primitive tribes where women bare themselves in the outdoor, breastfeeding their babies while doing their daily work.

Therefore, I just began with myself in breaking down the wall that segregates women, by breastfeeding in public, and I'm doing it for my hungry baby. That's why, when there was a suggestion to create a separate MRT compartment for women and breastfeeding mothers, I totally oppose it because segregation will only strengthen the notion that breastfeeding is really something to be ashamed or embarrased upon, and that it should not be done in public. If other people are disturbed by me breastfeeding, it is their problem. Philosophically this is my stance.



Working Women


Pumping at Work

Further delving into the issue of public space, the contradiction is apparent in the working environment. Recently, since the industrial revolution, the working environment has become a "male/public" space, that is created and regulated by norms derived from the predictability of male's body. There is no room for the unpredictability of women's body such as female period, child bearing, and breastfeeding (Bartlett 2005). I was lucky to be able to work in a place where the boss understands my need by providing time and space for pumping. But majority of working women do not have such luxury. Women had to return to work out of financial necessity or other reason, without adequate support from the working environment to maintain breastfeeding. This is not at all the women's fault, but a larger flaw in the working environment. Hence, the idealisation of breastfeeding does not translate into the reality that many women are now working. This has begun to change for the better, however, I'm skeptical that positive change is happening in third-world countries.



Female Body Awareness


Obsessed with Breast Shape

Through breastfeeding, I started to ask and rethink about my female body. The breastfeeding process taught me to be aware of the natural signs in my baby's body language as well as my own body. It is just amazing to see that my body will "know" when my baby's hungry and will have a leak. I started to believe that women's body is really amazing, and I started to ask, do we really need to buy all these formula milk and baby feeding gadgets, that had just been created recently?

It is sad to see that in the current society, women are not aware of their own body. Women have very low self esteem of their own body, dictated by the male concept of beauty and decorum. Bartlett 2005 and Palmer 1993 highlighted that in many case breastfeeding failures are attributed to male pressure, from husbands who detest wives with saggy breast to the notion that women should prioritize to keep their husband at her household. Eventually, women becomes subjected to corporate domination as consumers, where women are convinced that their self-worth is measured by the things they could afford, even having to go through painful procedures.

• I need to buy new clothes / shoes / bags / , as my old ones are outdated (need vs wants)
• I'm not beautiful, so I will get breast augmentation operation (breast as beauty object is defined by male)
• I have to get birth control pill to regulate my period or avoid pregnancy (in the western world this has become norms for teenage girls rather than medical necessity)
• I want to do caesarian delivery with total anasthetic so that my vagina won't become too wobbly (not because of medical necessity)
• I have to get expensive breastpump in order to breastfeed (women does not yet know about pump-free marmet technique of milk expression)
• I don't have enough milk, so I have to supplement with formula and bottle (relactation is possible except in a special medical case)
• I want my child to be smarter, so I have to keep buying this special formula. My milk is not good enough (special infant formula is not necessary unless medically indicated or when situation forces women to use it as a last resort)

Basically, the message women have been receiving from the social norms and pressure is that women as themselves are never good enough. This is made worse by corporate pressure, plus the male-oriented medical sciences that is detached from the traditionally midwives-based childbirth and breastfeeding knowledge (Palmer 1993).



Women Should not Be Blamed

At the end, Breastwork (Bartlett 2005) avoided to demonize formula feeding because the negativity attributed to formula is often aimed at the women and not the  corporate marketing that shaped the pro-formula social construct. To some extent I agree with her. There is a danger that the war between breastfeeding and formula put women into a dichotomy of good and evil. This should not be the case because one needed to address the contributing factors behind the success or failure of breastfeeding. Those are the availability of information, husband's and family support, communal support, the corporate power of formula companies, and the social norms. A struggle against unethical formula promotion should not put a mother into a judgment that she's a bad mother, because in almost all cases, mothers wants to be the best for their children. In all manner, whether she is breastfeeding or formula feeding, she is a good mother. She, with her noble goal to raise children, may have just lived in the wrong time and in wrong social norms.



References

• Bartlett 2005. Breastwork
• Maher 1992. Anthropology of Breast-feeding
• Palmer 1993. Politics of Breastfeeding
• Yalom 1997. The History of Breast